Wow!I finished reading it last night - kept me up till 4am lolI really enjoyed it. I don't read much but it was my kind of 'fiction'The ending was sad that the mission wasn't complete, but it makes more sense that the resistance would be an ongoing thing, not over in a hollywood style final showdown so easilyI also really enjoyed the lesbian scene (I didn't realise the main character was male until about page 90, lol)Peckerstan and Cockster !! HahahaAnyway it was excellent from start to finishWell done and thanks for sharing--Matt
Honestly, I wasn't expecting much. I have read many, many stories from others and have been disappointed.Either they had no idea how to write (as in, they don't now how to form a sentence, use improper punctuation over and over, etc.) or they had no idea how to put the whole thing together and it was just a mess. I was very happily surprised when I started reading your story. It was well-written, it was salient, and it made me want to continue to read it. I'm kind of a wierdo in that I like the build up more than the delivery. (Don't all conspiracy nuts?) During the build up of "what the hell is going on here?" I was thirsty for more. You did hold back enough at most times to get me salivating again. Although once the overall delivery was there, it was a let down for me. It always is, so don't take that the wrong way. The ending was just as it should have been (although it looked like you a) rushed it and b) hurriedly wrote it... it's not of the same caliber as the first part of the story) I thought what happened to Daniel and the inevitability of his situation was very believable. Some of the things you wrote about folks who start fiddling with the thread of conspiracy to only pull the entire sweater apart in surprise, was startlingly on the mark. I read that with a smile, as you got it so incredibly correct. That is how we think and I couldn't have put it better myself. Also the GLP thing was hilarious. A couple of things I thought could be better/different (we're moving into my opinion now, so take this with a grain of salt).All this is written with the belief that you would like to get this story published. The exposition was well laid out and well written.The dialog was sometime contrived and stilted. I can't imagine some people talking that way. (I can give examples)The initial exposition (where the character starts giving some of the history of what has happened, and the over-arcing ideologies behind the story) was very well written, and while I loved the heck out of it, I wondered how, let's say a literary agent would read it. I started to think he or she would lose interest quickly, and then thought, "Hey! Teri (I don't even know if you are a man or a woman! Teri can be either! I assume male from the sex scenes!) needs a 'sidekick' for Daniel... someone who isn't in the know, who he can talk out this exposition, rather than just telling it to the reader!" I thought you could tell some parts of the exposition in the beginning, but leave some level of mystery there, and then... holy cow!!! You added a side kick! So, then I started thinking... in that long car ride where they are sitting together, you could strike up a conversation between them, and then you could flesh out the rest of the exposition through their dialog. Either make this a way that Celeste tests Daniel's knowledge, or act stupid and pull info out of him. That way, you don't lose those who are not as into conspiracy things as we are. That's a pretty big revision, but if your goal is to really get the thing published, it might be something to consider. The part where Daniel lets his door open for his cat is great. It paint's a better picture than 1000 words. It humanizes him very effectively. But he seems to lose that humanity somewhere along the line and I ceased to care if he lived or died. I wasn't as emotionally attached to him in the end as I was in the beginning. In the beginning he was ME living this story. In the end, he was just some dumb ass who got chipped. I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but hopefully you get what I'm trying to say. After Daniel shoots that dude in his house, and I believe that was the first time he'd really ever killed someone, I don't think you went in deep enough on his emotions. From what I have heard, it's pretty traumatizing to kill a person. So there might be some more internal dialog there of him rationalizing what he did to himself. I was initially pissed that Celeste was so hot. Why do the chicks in stories always have to be hot? But then when she turned out to be the love interest, I got why. The scene where Daniel is checking himself out in the mirror and flexing his bicep seemed to be opposite from how you initially painted him as a character. It illustrates him as arrogant and full of himself. Also, I thought that when you introduce Celeste standing on the side of the road, the first thing you should say is, "there was a red head standing there." Or whatever. In other words, contrast the color of her hair to the rest of the scene. You do this later in the story, and very effectively so. To do it earlier would establish her looks more strongly in the reader's mind than you did initially. (You mention her red hair, but only after we meet her.) Toward, not towards. Towards is British English, in the U.S. the standard is 'toward'. Sex. The scene where they got it on while on the road, was understandable. Made sense, and I was expecting it. After their escape, when she dropped and started blowing the soldier, I lost it. My disbelief went out the window! I was thinking, "Okay, I'm a dude. I going to take a leak. There I am with a full bladder, I am looking out for renegades, and (after? before?) I take my leak, there's a girl there, with her top off, coming at me, ready to suck me off."No way. Too unbelievable. One: When I need to pee, having sex is one of the last things on my mind. And RIGHT AFTER I pee...no. Plus, the soldier should have been like, "WTF!" and backed away from her. If you were trying to somehow convince the reader that Celeste was serious enough to suck a guy off to fight the war, you didn't need to. I was already convinced that she was. Plus, you didn't need her to get a gun. There was no reason, since she didn't use it until after she was in the gas station... where she could have gotten a gun from the dude in there. Continuing on with this scene. I really REALLY liked the part where the gas station guy goes upstairs, and starts talking to someone... good.. scary... very suspenseful. HOWEVER! After they killed the dude who was looking for his gun, they left the station...where in the hell were all the other soldiers who were on the truck with the initial soldier? Daniel and Celeste just walked outside the station... and ... oh wait! They had sex again! I was really waiting for them to either fight their way out or to do something clever. This scene made me scratch my head. The scene, seemed ill placed in the story. At that point, we wanted our characters to get the hell out of dodge! Not stop off for a quick screw! There was also the entire scene where they try to get by the guards at the stop point, and she shows her ass and Daniel acts like a redneck... I groaned. There is no way that would work. The guards are prepared for stuff like that and wouldn't be fooled by some woman wanting to do them in the middle of the road while her traveling partner watched. Once again, my investment in the story waned... but I continued to read. The Pekerstan, Cock names, while funny, take away from the serious nature of the story. Mr. White or Mr. Pink... Reservoir Dogs style seemed better here. The whole puzzle thing confused the hell out of me. I think I understood it, but I was hoping there was more to it than it just being a puzzle. The ending sex scene really REALLY threw me for a loop. I can't reconcile that scene with the world we live in. I think I know why you did it, because she could never be with him again, but it made little sense at that time. I thought a more heartfelt, hug and tear would have worked better than a hardcore sex scene. I liked the ending, but I sure would have liked it more if he'd made his way to the countryside, and stood in the middle of some field as he could hear the copters approach, knowing he couldn't run because they were tracking him. Maybe some short internal conversation on December... Christmases he would never experience, the snow, whatever. Just him internalizing how good his life was while he was ignorant and how shitty it is now that knows. I did notice a few cross-talk scenes that were rough, and of course, as I said, the ending seemed rushed. (I always rush my endings because I usually just want the damn thing done!) but overall, the story was good, it was very mysterious, and kept me wanting to read more... with very few groan moments. Okay... I wasn't going to include an excerpt, but I can't help myself. This one scene shows more than I can tell what I am trying to say!
“Do you know how ‘Sleepers’ are done nowadays?”
“No. I missed that day in Government class,” still trying to be lighthearted. Celeste, on the other hand, maintained her stiff lips and stern gaze.
Okay. Here, I know Daniel is trying to be lighthearted. I don't need you to tell me. And Celeste's description (rule 17 of Strunk and White) can be whittled down to the following:
“Do you know how ‘Sleepers’ are done nowadays?”
“No. I missed that day in Government class,” I said.
Celeste glared at me for a moment before continuing.
And then you're right back into the story. Always remember, if you write your stuff well enough, the emotion, or sarcasm you are trying to get across will be understood without having to explain it. Once again, these are all my opinions! It's your baby so you get to raise it how you want! ;-) Overall I really liked it and thought it was fun. The information on the conspiracy stuff was awesome! -- Jason A. Myers
Here's something maybe not so disappointing:
The author of the novel "Dead By December" is sitting on a goldmine.
This writer will not disappoint you. The story reads and 'looks' like the screenplay for a film which would be well suited for our time. DBD shows a future eerily similar to the present, with a malevolent entity called 'government' prying into the lives of regular people, justifying all the paranoia of the past..
Much of the meticulous research that the author underwent to create this story may seem to be lost in the inevitable film version, but the story and acction move much to fast to be laden with the details of how things came to be so untidy in this Orwellian North American landscape. The characters are pushed about by often-unseen forces.
An enormous under-current in the mainstream thoughts of the world and America have already put enough pieces together to know what we must do, this story exemplifies what we must un-do.
The release of the "Dead By December" manuscripts, while perhaps a dangerous undertaking, will be another imperative step towards uncovering the huge lies of our created enemy, and learning why we c reated this adversary in the first place.
The People are already awakening, racing towards understanding of the world's complex puzzles. Even the disappointing few who pretend to not see, will soon admit they knew all along.
(The anonymous posting is simply a precaution; a reverberation of the old skills acquired during the recent and ongoing dis-unity of the world, soon to be a thing of the past!)